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Culture Connection The Chinese Parental Factor

The first time I saw my Chinese girlfriend, who has now put up with me for nearly four years, I was instantly bewitched. Sitting on the sofa in my friend’s apartment was this slim, extremely beautiful, stylishly dressed girl – coquettish and demure in equally beguiling turns. Did I stop to think about possible pitfalls ahead concerning age, education and family background? Of course not.

The first few months together were great––the nine-year age gap was forgotten and language problems easily overcome in a blaze of passion. Little did I realize that at that time most of my girlfriend’s friends and family were trying to dissuade her from seeing me. Although I hadn’t met any of them yet, they knew male laowai as irrepressible Casanovas, preying daily on the sweet and innocent female population of Beijing. Bearing in mind the insatiable appetite of a few foreign friends, I can hardly blame them for being overly protective.

The time eventually came to meet my girlfriend’s parents, and I really wasn't sure what to expect. Of course I’d heard stories of Chinese fathers forbidding their daughters from seeing overseas gentlemen before. There was clearly going to be a language problem, as neither my girlfriend’s mother nor father spoke any English, and my Chinese was bordering on the comical. I kept envisioning a nightmare scenario where I was served chou dofu or pig’s trotters, and asked questions about sensitive political issues in rapid fire Mandarin.

In the end, the whole introduction routine went better than I could have ever imagined. My girlfriend’s mother was pleasantly surprised by my appearance, having already seen a photo and declaring me to be “quite ugly.” My girlfriend’s father was charming, erudite and funny, and after quite a few beers and some expansive body language, I learned he was a big fan of England’s bridges. After exhausting my entire Chinese vocabulary complimenting Beijing architecture in return, both of us sat back in a mildly drunken stupor, clearly relieved and delighted that things had gone so well.

International relationships can be extremely rewarding, but they can also be intensely frustrating, achingly painful and downright baffling. The tears and tantrums evident on Beijing's online dating forums prove that love across the demographic divide can be a tricky business. Despite what the Beatles might have thought, love is certainly not all you need for a relationship to work, especially one of the cross-cultural variety.

Yes, I’ve certainly experienced my fair share of relationship problems in China. I’ve misread the signals and cocked things up on numerous occasions, sometimes because I’m western and sometimes because I’m just a regular guy. However, for all my shortcomings, I can safely say my girlfriend’s parents have been totally supportive at all times, even when it came to curing the worst hangover of my life. More on that shameful episode in next month’s "Cultural Shock."