Related stories

Rules for the Implementation of Regulations on the Management of Foreign Invested Financial Institutes for the People's Republic of China (the Rules) Implementation Measures of the "Rules of the People's Republic of China on Customs Protection of Intellectual Property Rights" Decision on Amendments to the Law of Judges of the People's Republic of China Provisional Rules on the Administration of Foreign Enterprises Engaging in Design Activities for Construction Projects within the People's Republic of China (the "Rules") Order No. 31 of the State Administration of Radio, Film, and Television (SARFT) - Provisions of Administration on Sino-Foreign Joint Films Production (the Provisions)

Case of the April Fool

My suzui made my sight blurry and the room just kept spinning. In my dizzy haze I sipped on both my slippers (tuoxie) at once only to find them all wet (shile). The slippers were, as the Chinese say, “Luo tang ji.” (or: as wet as a chicken falling into the soup.) I hate putting my socked feet into shile tuoxie. Making my socks “Luo tang ji” is going too far! It was then that I noticed a suspiciously pink post that read, “Enjoy your dry tuoxie.”  I was motivated to shake my fist in the air, vowing, “I will get revenge (baochou) on whoever is playing these April Fool’s pranks (ezuoju) on me! I am the great Lao Wai Private Eye, after all. No one would dare play jokes on Tom “Magnum PI” Selleck, right? (Well, I did shave his moustache while he slept on one April Fool’s Day back in the ‘80s!)

After reminiscing about past pranks, and Tom Selleck’s red Lamborghini, I realized someone had stolen the paper “Kick Me” (ti wo) sign I had made and left on the edge of the bed the night before. I was planning on attaching the ti wo sign to my boss’s jacket with a sly pat on the back. But now the sign was gone! To add insult to injury, a cruel prankster had super-glued my coins (yinbi) onto my desk. The yinbi would not move, but they did smell fruity. I had received those yinbi on a trip to Shanghai. Why DO they use yinbi so much in Shanghai? Again I vowed, “Baochou!” on the prankster and on Shanghai.

At breakfast someone got me again by cleverly switching the sugar (tang) and salt (yan) which I only found out after I crammed a full spoonful of salted corn flakes into my mouth! That bite didn’t help my hangover one bit! Suspiciously there was another pink post it, this one read: “I filled up the sugar and salt for you!” Curiouser and curiouser!

After walking to work in wet socks, because my taxi coins were stuck to my desk, and my sock drawer was stuck closed as well, everyone started to ti wo. My secretary kicked me (tile wo), the mail boy tile wo, even the weird foreigner “English consultant” whom nobody talks to tile wo. Everyone tile wo. When the boss tile wo for the tenth time, I vowed again, “Baochou!” on the person who played the April Fool’s jokes on me!

Do you know who caused my troubles? Did you deduce the identity of the culprit? Does it help if I tell you I definitely got revenge?” 

Was it my ayi? Was it one of my five girlfriends? Was it Tom Selleck? (Yeah, he sure is not making TV shows anymore, so he must keep busy someway. Or is your money on my mean boss? Or could it be the weirdo “English Consultant?” These are all wrong, it was of course the smartest April Fool of them all—me!

In my drunken stupor the night before, I must have spilled my erguotou (super nasty local grain alcohol that some call white spirits) into my slippers. We have all done that a few times, right? To help fight the taste that erguotou burns into my mouth I chewed copious amounts of gum. After the flavour was gone, I must have put my used chewing gum globs on the dresser, just before putting my Shanghai yinbi in the very same spot. The gum acted as a glue to keep the yinbi in place. Then I fell into a quick drunken slumber. By tossing and turning in my sleep, as I was dreaming of dancing with Gong Li, I must have rolled onto my “ti wo” sign.

How about the tang and yan mix up? Well, that is easy: the Chinese language is just too confusing. Pictographs, come on? But so you don’t make that mistake, sugar (tang) is 糖 and salt (yan) is 盐. So, I am glad to say I did really get revenge on the prankster, many times over!

What about the suspicious Post-its, you ask? The Post-its were just friendly notes from my ayi who has been trying to improve her English. I did find one last Post-it on the bottle of erguotou my ayi gave me, but that just said, “Ganbei! (Cheers!)”

KEEP SMILING and fooling each other in friendly ways!

I apologize in advance if I offended any fans of Tom Selleck’s moustache!