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The Laowai P.I. vs James 'Blonde'! The Case of the Bad Movie

As a fellow dark-haired international man of mystery, I took it personally when 007 (Ling Ling Qi) James Bond, the classic black-haired gentleman, turned blonde (huang toufa)! And to add insult to injury, the brunette bombshell Daisy Duke also turned blonde last year, but that is the Dukes of Hazard movie so you may have missed that flick (dianying).

As angry as I was at the increasing blondness of Hollywood, I always want to find a positive lesson in the web of negative feelings.

So, have you every wondered how to complain about a movie (dianying) in Chinese? Now is your chance to go over some ways to complain in another language; complaining makes us human.

This story (gushi) is as dumb as a wooden chicken.

This was the worst (zui bu hao de) movie ever!

There were as many stupid lines (taici) as there are hairs on an ox.

Two thumbs (damuzhi) down.

The hero (yingxiong) is more like a villain (hundan).

I give this movie 250! (er bai wu) (Note: 250 = foolish)

The music (yinyue) was as lame as soggy chopsticks.

The car chase was as dull as a spoon (shaozi).

My blind cat could have written a better script (juben).

Bond should not be blond. (Ling Ling Qi de toufa bu yinggai shi huangse de!)

Here are the answers to this month’s mystery:

“Why was James ‘Blonde’ so bad?”

Gushi bu hao!

Yinyue bu hao!

Xingxiang bu hao!

Ling Ling Qi de huang toufa bu hao!

Juben (VERY VERY) bu hao!

This is brought to you by all dark-haired actors and the Bring Back Pierce Fund.

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