The Case of the Missing Ring Road

Manic Manny the Frenchmen (Faguoren) stumbled into my office at 11:30 a.m. with panic in his blues eyes.

“Please HELP ME (qing bangzhu wo),” he screamed with his entire body.

“How can I HELP YOU (bangzhu ni)?”

“I need help with love (aiqing de bangzhu).”

“Sorry, Sir, I don’t do THAT sort of bangzhu…anymore.”

“No, I have a girl friend who I call Baobei(r) (Baby). She gave me one last chance to impress her or she will leave me for the next foreign expert (zhuanjia) she sees! She left me a note saying to meet her at noon by the national flag (guoqi) on a square along the First Ring Road (Yihuan Lu). Where does she mean?” Manny asked nervously while biting his nails (zhijia).

“Do you have a picture of your Baobei(r)?”

He did, and his Baobei(r) was piaoliang, way out of his league. Luckily for him, I am a professional.

“Well, guoqi means national flag. But there are guoqi on every corner. A guangchang is a public square, but again, they are common. Yihuan Lu means First Ring Road; that will help us (bangzhu women) find Baobei(r).”

“The First Ring Road? I have never heard of it,” Manny answered while finishing off his fingernails (shouzhijia) and reaching for his toenails (jiaozhijia).

“Calm down, your Baobei(r) is at stake! You have heard of the Second Ring Road, right?”

“Of course (dangran le); I am not a fool (bendan).”

“You have heard of the Third and Fourth Ring roads, right?

“Of course (dangran le); I have even been on the Fifth Ring Road and I have heard whispers of a Sixth Ring Road being built around us, but I have never heard of a First Ring Road.” Manny leaned in before adding, “You have to bangzhu wo before another zhuanjia steals my Baobei(r).”

Manny was all chewed out of his own nails (shouzhijia) and looking longingly at mine.

I started pushing the (Faguoren) toward the door as I spoke, “What ranks first on the list of things all tourists want to visit?”

“The Great Wall?”

“Dangran le! There you go. The Great Wall has many (guoqi) and the stone steps are square (fang de), right?”

“Dangran le! Thanks for the bangzhu with my Baobei(r). Would you like a free trip to the Great Wall on me?”

“No thanks, I have a clandestine meeting by the big Chinese national flag on Tian’anmen Square (Tian’anmen Guangchang) along Chang’an Jie (Avenue) at noon. I am a zhuanjia after all!”

 

Terms

Please help (me) = qing bangzhu (wo)

Baby = baobei(r)

Foreign expert = zhuanjia

Square = guangchang (public square)

 fang de (square shape)

Of course! = dangran le!

Fingernails = shouzhijia

Toenail = jiaozhijia